Inner Work

I said, in the description of my blog, that I would include things from my own practice. I realized recently that I have not really done that, instead blogging about what I believe and why, along with a few odds and ends from the disheveled hodge-podge of ideas floating around in my brain. This post is about what I'm doing now (and have been for a couple of months now). I have recently been deeply involved in my own inner work. What is inner work? Glad you asked. Nearly everyone will have a slightly different definition for it, and many others will know it under different names. Many Chaos Mages would refer to this as Shadow Work. For me it resembles a magical/spiritual approach to self-analysis or general psycho-therapy. I have been delving into the most hidden areas of my psyche and digging out the things that are hidden (sometimes even from myself), denied, unpleasant, unhealthy, damaged or damaging, and things that, for one reason or another, I have not explored. This is intensely personal and uncomfortable work. There are aspects of my self that I have avoided admitting even to my self, so don't expect any amazing revelations here. I can, however, speak about what I've been doing and how I'm doing it. According to Jungian psychology, there is a "shadow side" to everyone. This is the part of the psyche that holds many of our inner-most desires and motivations. They are often repressed and denied, even to one's self, for any number of reasons. These reasons may include: 1. They are socially unacceptable. By 'socially unacceptable' I don't mean like picking your nose. I mean that if one tracks a certain action to its most basic motivation, it may be the result of a strong predatory urge--an urge to take from another to make yourself feel better. This kind of a motivation may manifest as predatory sexual behavior, physical fighting (especially in men), or ruthless business practices. There are many other motivations that may drive us from our subconscious that we do not understand or that we refuse to acknowledge. All of these actions may be justified by the perpetrator by any number of socially acceptable arguments, but in Shadow Work, we refuse to lie to ourselves and try to find the real reason behind our behaviors. 2. They arise from severely low self-esteem. This is very common. It is often an obvious problem, but not always. Many people learn ways of hiding their insecurities and self-esteem problems from nearly everyone, including themselves. This is also a socially unacceptable motive. After all, who is more repulsive as a lover than a needy, desperate, insecure, self-hating partner? 3. The deepest motivations may contrast with one's accepted core values and beliefs. One example of this that I read about was the story of a woman who claimed to be an agnostic and who was raised in a very liberal Christian church. She was a lesbian, and she wrote about how she would sometimes be kept awake at night by an overwhelming fear that she was going to hell. Intellectually, she did not believe in hell and was not sure she believed in God. But, deep in her mind, she was terrified that maybe she was wrong and that God was going to punish her for eternity for being in love with another woman. Here I will actually share a personal bit from my own inner work. I have been practicing shamanism for over 4 years. According to my strict, Pentecostal upbringing, shamanism consists of speaking with demons who appear as helping spirits. I thought that I was beyond that dogmatic indoctrination from my youth. I have had great success in my practice and it also holds together much better in a logical or intellectual sense. But, as I delved into my psyche, I discovered that I was still held back slightly by the fear that maybe I was being deceived by my spirit guides and that, just possibly, they were fooling me just to make sure my soul burned in hell for eternity. This is the kind of thing that Shadow Work will help bring out so that we can deal with it consciously and remove these unconscious blocks that hold us back from reaching our true potential. 4. Sometimes we act purely out of instinct, or evolution, or whatever you want to call it. Many people want to believe that we are not animals and that our decisions and actions are motivated by higher ideals, such as love, protecting our families, or even compassion for others. The failure to realize, and admit, that we are also animals (with animal drives) sometimes leads to tortured explanations of our actions. A person may act out of an instinctual feeling of jealousy or fear, but refuse to admit, even to themselves, the true drive behind their actions. They then must concoct an explanation that "proves" they did what they did out of love, or compassion, or (a common favorite fall-back) justice. An extreme example is that of the abuser who says, "I didn't hit my wife because I was jealous and insecure about her talking to another man! I hit her because she deserved it. She broke the rules and must be punished." Those may not be the exact words, but that is often the inner dialogue with which they justify their actions. We did not attack a sovereign country for economic reasons; it was because they were all terrorists and had to be taken care of for the security of the world! There are thousands of versions of this justification. One key phrase in describing Shadow Work is "know thyself." That does not completely cover the incredibly complex task that is Inner/Shadow Work, but it is probably the greater part of it. There are many other elements in this work, and I will post more on the subject as I have time. This is incredibly time-consuming, difficult, a little traumatic, and disruptive work as it causes one to totally re-think our foundation, but it is also very rewarding. I believe it is not only helpful, but necessary, for anyone who is serious about the practice of magic and/or the development of their spirituality.